Wall building is my specialty. I fully admit it. I make them all the time. It's a learned thing. We all have our defense mechanisms and brick and mortar is my forte. Honestly, I feel like it is the reason why I survived my life so far in one piece. But as my therapist once pontificated years ago (great word Karen...I'm stealing it), when you are a child, you think as a child. But when you are an adult, it is time to put away childish things. My childhood safety mechanism is not healthy. Building walls bars others from getting close and it also prevents you from feeling everything.
Writing this novel (in my busiest month yet) has been the most enlightening thing for me. Being that I am going into psychology, this is a dramatic, romantic, and psychological book. In the process of it making it to the page, I have discovered something thrilling. My walls are crumbling all around me. (This has taken years to progress but seems to be moving at break neck speed right now) As I sift through the rubble, some of the stuff that got stuck behind those walls, was amazing. Not only can I feel things again, but I am reliving scenes that brought great joy in my life at the time. So much so that it keeps me up at night in awe of my blessings. I know, I am the world's greatest pessimist. But man, I have had some life changing experiences that were included in very painful parts of my life that blew my mind, great, magnificent gifts, that I probably couldn't even comprehend until now.
No more building walls to keep me safe. I am safe. Nothing can ever truly hurt me forever. It might be rough and it might be dirty, but I'd rather go through all of it to let in all of that joy I was missing out on.
No comments:
Post a Comment