#301

I have posted 300 times since Feb 27th, 2008.  I can hardly believe it!  Blame it all on Stacey Wolfe.  She was the one that got me to blog in the first place.  Now I can't stop!  My posts of late have not been as "meaty" as most but rather filled with practical and creative things.  I am in an emotionally good place right now and don't need to download at the moment.  This is a good thing.
Looking back at all that has been done is quite sad, comical, fascinating, exhausting....you take your pick.
1. We have lived in 5 different homes during this time
2. I've planted 3 gardens
3. Celebrated 3 birthdays
4. Had 3 Christmas parties at my home
5. Dealt with several species of wild animals
6. Read dozens of books
7. Picked hundreds of pounds of produce
8. Driven thousands of miles to and from various practices
9. Driven 3 different vehicles
10. Started college again
11. Applied for a danceteam coaching position twice
12. Walked hundreds of miles
13. Kicked my husband out of the house for a month
14. Enrolled kids in 3 different school districts
15. Lived on food storage and the generosity of others
16. Experienced farm life for the first time
17. Raised Chickens
18. Had two litters of kittens and some strays too
19. Saw my husband's business fail
20. Said goodbye to McMansion
21. Talked about boobs and sex
22. Learned to love my body and finally feel pretty for the first time
23. Lived on nothing and saw God provide
24. Watched my kids grow
25. Watched myself grow

All in all, I am very grateful for the opportunity that blogging gives me to remember how much I have learned and the strides that I am making everyday to become a better person.  I am most grateful for the friendships that I have formed through blogging and the ability to stay connected to all my friends and family.  If you lived my life, you would understand that I cannot keep up with everyone that I have met just in the last 3 years alone!  How many of you out there have had the opportunity to move over 35 times in your life?  I have and that is why I blog...to stay connected.  Because really, all that matters ia our relationships...with ourselves, our friends, and our loved ones.  Know that all of you are important to me and I hope that you have laughed, cried, related, to something I have said.  Hopefully those who I may have offended will get over it.  So here's to another 300 posts!  May the next 3 years give me an opportunity to rest for a season and hopefully have some inspiring moments as well!  Happy blog day everyone!

My Belated Birthday...Foodie Style

My parents just happened to be in France or Spain ( I can't keep track) during my birthday, so our traditional jaunt to a chosen restaurant had to be put on hold.  Since the last two months were quite crazy, we haven't been able to get together until now.  Waiting two months for good food and great company is fine by me!

I was treated to dinner at Andina which is a fine dining Peruvian restaurant in downtown Portland.  They have an extensive gluten free menu to choose from.  We had octopus appetizers with crab and prawn stuffed avocados, with a side of purple potato puree.  Then for our entrees Patrick and I both got scallops in a potato-parsnip puree with a beet reduction that was fabulous.  It's amazing how good seafood tastes when it's prepared correctly.  My dad had duck and my step-mom had the lamb chop.  It was amazing!  Then we ordered dessert.  Patrick got the trio of creme' brulee that included cinnamon, pear and mocha flavors.  My dad got a hazelnut ice cream and my step mom got a goat cheese flan.  I opted for the traditional gluten free torta chocolata.  Very yummy and it even came with a lit candle and a remarkable "felis cumpleanos" drizzled in chocolate.  I am a very lucky girl indeed to have such wonderful parents that have given me the opportunity to learn how to be a foodie from the best teachers.

My Dad

(Yes this is me as a newborn...mom is 21, dad is 22).

I'm a daddy's girl.  Plain and simple.  My father, with all of his flaws, still can make me melt into a puddle.  My dad sat next to me at my husbands concert last night.  He put his big strong arm around me and gave me a squeeze.  I cuddled right into him...he's my Daddy.  I never feel safer than I do in that moment.  Never.   Their is something special about the relationship between a father and a daughter.  He holds the moon no matter what.  He still calls me his "Little Girl", never Emily.   Our relationship is far from ideal, and we never spend much time together, but in just one moment, my gruff father can show me he loves me without words...and it's enough to last for years....

Chart House, the Annual Tradition

Stacey and Tonya took me to a crazy movie right after Kevin died. It was serendipitous. Little did any of us know that is was all about a widow and how she fell in love after her husband had died. Ben Affleck and Gwenyth Paltrow did a great job...but it was definitely not the intended message that either of them wanted to provide me at the time. Then there was the Rugrats movie I watched just days after Kevin's death that was all about how Chucky's daddy gets remarried. He was a widower. It was as if Kevin was trying to speak to me through Hollywood! I can laugh about it now. It's really quite funny. Thing is, one of our last coherent conversations was about the fact that I was never going to get remarried. You say things like that when you really don't want your husband to die. The thought is just too revolting. But he made sure that I got it...it was ok and he really wanted me to move on. I did.

To make up for their little blunder, we began going to the Chart House to make a new memory. Now it has become a fabulous tradition to eat amazingly expensive seafood with a too die for view and hot lava chocolate cake with Heath Bar sprinkles. We enjoy each other's company. Sometimes we share our exciting lives and other times we are fuming over our trials, but it is a day to look forward to instead of dread.

Here's to many more happy memories Stacey. You always will be my widow buddy. Life keeps getting tougher for both of us, but we are tough cookies and we have great taste!

Being Sturdy

So sorry that you have to read all of my thoughts this month. But I promised myself that I would do this, so be patient....

I think I was born in the wrong century. When I was a young girl, I was scrawny and scrappy...think Anderson except a girl. Not only was I thin, but I was tall too. Being stuck between two brothers and having no sisters, I learned to take care of myself. I could do anything my brothers did. I wanted to fish and camp etc... Defending myself from flinging dog crap and the occasional wrestle mania on the living room floor was just how it was. Then puberty hit and my parents got divorced and I turned into a girl with hips and all the other important parts.

Now, I hate it. I hate that I can lift 2 fifty pound feed sacks at a time. Moving furniture singlehandedly, not a problem. Fixing broken stuff, my husband even fully admits that I am more skilled in this area than he. Healthy as a horse, yep that is me. No weird bizarre things are wrong with me. I have a strong back, strong arms, strong legs, a strong heart, all of which don't add up to a very feminine picture. (maybe that is why I love all things girly..cooking, sewing, decorating, etc...) Sure, I can handle alot. My pain tolerance is high. Bugs and dirt don't freak me out. Which leads me to think that I must have been meant for the mid to late 1800's not the 21 century.
Everywhere I look, their are petite little dew drops that get their nails done and are scraping in at 5'2".

Don't get me wrong, I love that I can be independent and strong...gettin it done! But sometimes a girl wants to feel towered over and small. Like she is just too fragile to lift that sofa or carry in the bags of groceries by herself. Sometimes being tall sucks.

Ok...now you know my secret desire. I want to be dainty just for a day...see how the other side lives.

What prompted this? I got a tooth pulled. It didn't hurt. No drugs afterward. I have a gaping wound in my mouth and I could care less. Makes me feel like I should have been a pioneer popping kids out on the trail and hoeing a row the next day. I know I should be grateful, I am. Just sometimes I want to feel like I need someone to protect me...so don't need that either. I have already taken on 6 black street smart girls in a battle to the death for $20 when I was 11. Intimidated?

Humpty Dumpty Sat On A Wall....Where is his therapist?

Wall building is my specialty. I fully admit it. I make them all the time. It's a learned thing. We all have our defense mechanisms and brick and mortar is my forte. Honestly, I feel like it is the reason why I survived my life so far in one piece. But as my therapist once pontificated years ago (great word Karen...I'm stealing it), when you are a child, you think as a child. But when you are an adult, it is time to put away childish things. My childhood safety mechanism is not healthy. Building walls bars others from getting close and it also prevents you from feeling everything.

Writing this novel (in my busiest month yet) has been the most enlightening thing for me. Being that I am going into psychology, this is a dramatic, romantic, and psychological book. In the process of it making it to the page, I have discovered something thrilling. My walls are crumbling all around me. (This has taken years to progress but seems to be moving at break neck speed right now) As I sift through the rubble, some of the stuff that got stuck behind those walls, was amazing. Not only can I feel things again, but I am reliving scenes that brought great joy in my life at the time. So much so that it keeps me up at night in awe of my blessings. I know, I am the world's greatest pessimist. But man, I have had some life changing experiences that were included in very painful parts of my life that blew my mind, great, magnificent gifts, that I probably couldn't even comprehend until now.

No more building walls to keep me safe. I am safe. Nothing can ever truly hurt me forever. It might be rough and it might be dirty, but I'd rather go through all of it to let in all of that joy I was missing out on.

When It Rains, It Pours.

I always worry, I wont have much to occupy my time. After my kids go back to school, I lament that my days will be filled with endless cleaning and that is about it. Then life happens and canning kicks in. Gone are those thoughts of nothing to do. There is always something to do. My list gets longer everyday. But lately, it exploded. On Sunday, during a lull in the rain storm, I picked the last bowl of Concord grapes to make jelly with. Unfortunately, I had no pectin, so I must get that done in the next few days or else they will go to waste. A post for my blog everyday, writing almost 2000 words a day for a novel, orchestrating a surprise move (it's official, we are moving Jan 1) and the redecorating that will precede it, a Super Saturday project to prepare for people, a million errands, a missionary discussion every Sunday for the next few weeks, Football playoffs, Christmas shopping and making... It begs the question, How am I going to get it all done? Beats me! But it is really fun and even though I'm exhausted, I wouldn't have it any other way. So if my kids come to church in dirty clothes for the next few weeks and I look like I have a stripe on top of my head due to grow out, just smile, because I am really happy right now and this bone that God has thrown me tastes really good!

Halloween Ends....Let The Games Begin

I was a sexy Goth girl for Halloween and my husband was the biker guy tatted up beyond belief. He picked out his own costume this year and was pretty proud of him. Secretly, I must have a little bad girl inside of me because I thoroughly enjoyed wearing knee high black boots and fishnet stockings with long leather gloves and freaky hair. Something must be wrong with me, or something just woke up?! LOL!
My children have become more creative when it comes to costumes due to the lack of television personalities that are aloud to enter our home, so Mummy, Rocker Girl, Zorro, and a Special were conjured up tonight. They all looked great. Christian had to skip out of Halloween tonight to play his last regular game of football. Yes, it sucked for him, but all the parents of the team chipped in and they still made a good candy haul. Somehow, I think he'll survive.
Now on for the games...NANOWRIMO games that is. Tomorrow the novel writing begins and normal life ends. Not only do I have to write 1667 words a day for the next month, but I have to still have a normal life and teach a Super Saturday craft in two weeks, and make 60 gifts for Relief Society and make ornaments for my Christmas tree. I've hatched a seemingly impossible plan! Not only will my laptop follow me everywhere, but I have to bake "cookies" for my tree, paint and glue baubles, embroider mangers and paint frames, but I also have to care for my 5 children, keep the house in order and make all the Christmas gifts. Yes you heard me right. I am making everything this year. The only stuff that isn't homemade is the gifts coming from Santa and the stocking stuffers. Am I nuts? Yes...Nuts@!! But mark my words, I will do it if it kills me. Because not only is it cheaper, but I think I'm pretty good at it too. Who needs another Obama Chia Pet anyway right? I can't really list my gifts for fear that those who will be receiving them will find out but lets just say that all my "talents" will get used. So on your mark...get set...GOOOO!

Didn't I Do This Before?

When I was a teenager, I had perfect skin. Not a blemish to be had. It infuriated my friends. Well not anymore friends. This low maintenance girl actually had to buy some kind of facial cleanser, something with salylic acid in it? I feel like a teenager again. Adult onset acne. It's not bad...just bad for me. Could it be stress related? Probably. What isn't? Maybe it's because I feel like it's my senior year all over again. You heard me right. I feel like a senior because I started filling out a college application today.

The future isn't going away. So I might as well embrace it and let go of my fear. (How am I going to pay for this? Can Evan handle preschool every morning? Will my family be supportive? Can I remember how to do Chemistry?) After deliberating for almost a year, I have finally bit the bullet. Did you know that I was PreMed when I went to college? Kinda irks me when people ask if Kevin was smart (referring to my gifted kids) and I always am a little taken aback. "Me is smart too!" (said in a white trash accent) Yes it's true...I'm totally a nerd. Was in the TAG program, Honor Roll, etc. I was even teachers pet a time or two. It used to really tick off my roommates in college that I didn't have to cram for tests and still get an A.... Sorry for the tangent.

It's been quite the hairy little process to get me back to where I started and do what is in my blood. This girl is going back into Psychology. Going to finish my Bachelors. With that, I can't nail down what I want to do, but either I become a Naturopathic Doctor or a Doctorate in Psychology. Both are feasible and possible. Either way, someday, I will be a Doctor of something. Here's to the long road ahead. Here's to listening to Spirit even if it's really scary. (Note to self: don't question the Spirit. He will haunt you until you get it done...)

On Mothering....

It is oh so fitting to do this post now. I recently had my 36th birthday and was reminded of my many mothers in my life.

My mother and I have been estranged for many years. Our interaction mainly consists of an occasional function every few years, a letter once a year and maybe a phone call once a year. Sounds quite drastic doesn't it? This year I got a letter a couple of months ago. Yes, she lives only an hour and half from me. She doesn't send the kids cards, call on birthdays, or attend family gatherings. She is sick. She had Borderline Personality Disorder among other things. My childhood was highly dysfunctional. But this is not a post about my horrible childhood. It's a post about how lucky I really am.

While I might not have a nurturing mother, I've learned a great deal from her. My mother is very creative, unafraid, independent, confident, frugal, and open. All of these qualities, she passed onto me. Despite all these wonderful traits that my mother gave me, she wasn't really a mother to me, so God sent me others to teach and guide me.

When I was very young girl of 7, I was invited over to a friends house to practice for a primary program. I stayed for dinner and what happened at that dinner table, forever changed my life. See, I had never sat a t a dinner table in my own home with my family before. So this act was completely foreign to me. But as we prayed and ate around candlelight, I felt the most amazing spirit of love. I decided then and there, that I was going to have this kind of family and this kind of love. So thank you Linda Matthews for your example.

As I grew, my parents eventual divorce led to a new woman in my life, my stepmother. She wasn't the warm and cuddly mom that I had longed for, but I am so grateful for the things she taught me. We went to fashion shows and fancy restaurants together. We ate like kings, traveled, and she opened a whole new world for me. I am the cook I am today because of her. My class, style, poise, ability to feel comfortable with all classes of people would be severely diminished without her to guide me. So thank you Coral.

As a teenager, I fully saw what I was missing because of my mother's illness, and God brought me my church mother. She took me under her wing and made sure I had someone to talk to. She got me through YW, helped me finish getting ready for college, gave me a job and a place to live. She came and visited me at school, and although I can't say for certain, probably helped pay for my mission. I brought Kevin to meet her, cried with her about lost loves, she helped plan my reception, hosted a bridal shower and generally showed me unconditional love. And, as her body eventually gave way to a 7 year long battle with cancer, she taught me about hope and endurance. Sheila Moore, you were more a mother to me than anyone on this planet and I can't wait to hold you again!

While my own husband was dying of cancer, God sent me another mother to help me through the next phase of my life. She was there to include me in her family, a listening ear whenever I needed to vent, gave me a spiritual perspective, showed me what blessings were in store for someone who loved all...She watched my kids so I could go out. I want to be like her when I grow up. Even now, her thoughtful advice is amazingly, just what I need to hear. God speaks to me through her. Thank you Julia Carter.

Now with a busy life filled with 5 kids to mother, I have realized how very lucky I am that I got more than one mother in my life. They all have shaped me into the woman I am today. All the things I missed out on, I will be extra vigilant about giving to my own children.

So next time I feel cheated because I can't just call up my mother and tell her about my day or get advise on some matter, I can look back on this post and remember to be grateful for what I have been given and what I will be able to give.

I love being a mother more than anything else....

Life Lessons in Picture

I'm ready for some big changes in my life. My continuing quest towards who I really am began a few years ago and now I think I am finally getting there. Sometimes we get a little off track, but as long as your alive, it is never to late to make a course correction. These trees in the Heber mountains were just the visual reminder that I needed that I too can be brought back on course. Surely the straight and tall trees are majestic and stately, but I'd rather have some curve to me. Makes me a little different than the next guy and I have great stories to tell...

My life is much simpler and more peaceful than it was two years ago. My life still has stress to be sure, but it's different. I'm not playing anyone else's game but my own and that is making all the difference. So as far as I am concerned, I'm glad I don't live the life I had two years ago. Now I am embracing everything that is me instead of trying my hardest to be like everyone else. So sorry everyone that I tried to be like, but it's not for me. Emily likes to be a little on the edge, to dance, to run with reckless abandon, to cook like crazy, to avoid cleaning at all costs, to connect with people on a deeper level, and to love unconditionally, to suck the marrow out of this life the only way I know how...Look out world!Finally going towards the Son again....stay tuned, this could get pretty interesting.

I Did IT!

Yes, that is me with a really short 90's hair do. Me with my girls a year before my mission...a very long time ago.

I hate rejection. During my teenage and college years, you couldn't get me to ask out a guy if my life depended on it. I was sooo afraid of hearing no. It's a childhood thing...isn't it always? I've been known to do things by myself, just because I can't handle the NO word. It's like bloody knuckles on a cheese grater, hearing NO. So many things in my life would probably be different if I just had the courage to ask for them. I'm 35 and still feel like a little kid when it comes to rejection. It's time to get over it. What is the worst thing that can happen? They say no thanks. Will it destroy me? No. It wont. Will it hurt? Yes. But I'll get over it.

So I applied for the Head Coach position at Sherwood High. Am I crazy? Maybe a little. But when God tells you to do something, even if it doesn't work out, aren't you supposed to do it? He has asked me to do some really hard things lately. They didn't really turn out like I thought they would, but as time has shown me, little by little, I can see His Hand guiding me.

Can I do this with 5 kids and a husband that works an insane amount of hours? Sure. With God, aren't all things possible? Honestly, this is a part of me that I have suppressed for too long. My talents can no longer be hidden under a layer of fat and excuses.

Now I have to write an essay about why I would be good for this position, go clean the garage, hang some mirrors and a ballet bar, go on a strict diet, dance everyday instead of run, and pray like crazy that I don't hear No.

The Refuge

Do you ever wish you had a hideaway in your house? When I was a little girl, my room was my oasis in chaos. If I ever had any money, I spent it decorating my room. Seriously, I worked to support my habit of new comforters and art. When I didn't have money, I would plaster the walls with Elle or Vogue magazine pages. It always was my own piece of paradise. But that all changed when I went to college. For the first time in my life, I had to share a room. (I was the only girl) During the next decade and a half, I have had to share my space with someone else for 13 1/2 of those 15 years.


Now I have my own space again. It's all mine. My husband tried to use it yesterday for his work, but he really looks silly sitting at that desk. It's not an office either. We have one of those stacked with papers, books, and various electronics. This is my very own space. Not only does it have a little lounge area, but a desk and a sitting area. It's a sun room off of my master bedroom that is covered by windows and skylights. I sew, read, pay bills, ponder, nap, listen to music, pray, and take mommy breaks here. This house is definitely not my dream home, but this space is just what I need to recharge, recoup, and replenish so I don't break into a thousand pieces at the end of everyday. I can be myself here. I don't answer the phone or get on the computer in there either. So welcome to my refuge. If you can't get a hold of me, I'm probably reading a good book, taking a nap, or just generally pondering what God wants from me next.

All About Me

So I am not able to figure out the whole download of the camera pics still, so I thought I would fill out this cute questionaire that a friend sent me so that you can know me better.
Four jobs I've held: Bank Teller, Office Manager, Janitor at Ricks College, High School Dance Team Coach
Four places I've lived: Portland Oregon, Eagle River Alaska, Sandy Utah, Sacramento California
Four tv shows I used to watch: Medium, Jericho, Divine Designs, American Idol
Four movies I've seen more than once: Pride and Prejudice, The Best Two Years, Over The Hedge(never seen the actual picture but have heard it in the background while driving at least 50 times), A River Runs Through It (Brad Pitt is HOTT!!)
Four places I've been: To Hell and Back!, Carribean, Navoo Illinois, New Orleans...Yuck!
Four people who email me regularly, Marcy, Glenn Beck, Moms group, my husband
Four foods I like to eat: Costco roasted Chicken, expensive ice cream, chocolate anything, fresh sauteed green beans
Four places I'd like to go: to Heaven, to my new house, to Austria, and to Zambia
Four things I'm looking forward to in the coming year: My garden, Finding a house, Anderson going to Kindergarten, my house in Utah selling.