The Christmas Spirit

I want to go home.  That is all I want.  But it's complicated.  Evidently, you have to be completely sinless to live with Father.  Try as I might, I cannot live a sinless life.  All is lost....  I can never measure up.  None of us can.
My big brother wants us home too.  He loves me more than I can imagine.  He loves all of his brothers and sisters the same.  He wants us all back.  So he came down and lived a sinless life and then paid for all of our sins, sicknesses, heartaches, and deprivations.  He paid that price....  So when I think of that beautiful tree sparkling in the corner or when my children tear open a gift, I think of the stars that I will look upon with my Father someday and the many gifts that He has given me throughout my life.   Because all I want....really...is to go back home.  Sometimes, for a split second, I can remember...what it felt like and that is what carries me through and makes me cry when I hear a Christmas song.  I love my Brother dearly.  He deserves to be praised everyday.  I cannot wait to go home again and see Him and all my loved ones....

What is on my mind

Bulk packing tape and boxes... that is all I am thinking about.  Well except for buying a good Purdy paint brush and color samples for paint and the wallpaper that I bought for Christmas for my bedroom and where in the heck the drapery rod holders went on our last move and the fact that we have moved from a house in Utah to a hotel to a house in Stafford to a house in NW Hillsboro, to a house on Chehalem Mountain and now into Sherwood proper....all in 2 and a half years.  This has been one wild roller coaster ride.  I really have to sit back and laugh a little.  March of 2007 sent me to my knees, asking why we needed to move and if it was right.  We just woke up one day and made a life changing decision.  I have always followed the craziest of impressions from the spirit.  They have never led me down the wrong path.  Until now, I thought.  Honestly, I don't understand the past 2 1/2 years of trial and turmoil.  It hasn't been an easy road.  I can't look back at it yet and say it was worth it.  I'm still in it.  Maybe in a year or two, I will see the point of it all.  But part of me is so glad that my spiritual promptings were right on the money.  When things stop working and life becomes a series of unfortunate events, you start to question God's directions.  You can't see his big picture.  And somehow it just doesn't make any sense to you at all.  Really, this big convoluted circle that we have gone through these past 2 1/2 years has brought us back to the same town, buying a house and raising our children here.  No matter how many times I asked God if this was the right path, He just kept saying yes.  Even though it was rocky and thorny and dark.  We just kept walking, sometimes crawling, down this dark and dreary way, hoping for any sign of light at the end...  I can see the light now.  Haven't completely stepped into it, but I know it's just around the bend, and I couldn't be more thrilled.  We survived it.  I can't believe it sometimes.  There were so many times when I just wanted to give up...but I didn't.  Giving up wouldn't solve anything.  I'd still be stuck in the dark if I didn't get back up and keep moving forward.  I look back at some of the experiences that we have been called to pass through and I wonder what exactly they were supposed to teach me...maybe I will never know, but some of them were life changing.  I will never be the same person I was back then.  I've learn so much and gained so much ground.  I really hate being refined.  It sucks getting heated to the bending point and that hammer is just so dang biting.  But hopefully, we will have a season of rest for a while.  I'm banking on some normal for a while.  It' looks so inviting from here!

Day 28....and still going....

I am going to finish this goal if it kills me.  My house exploded all around me today as gluttony has set in.  Did I leave my bed before 2 in the afternoon?  No.  Did I eat mega amounts of chocolate?  Yes.  No weight watching today.  I'm tired and still sick.  Personally, I'll take 2 to 4 good days of being feverish and nausea over 1 to 2 weeks of a cold.  It is draining and I hate it.  Especially during the last week of November.  No fair!

This year, I have totally gotten into the Christmas spirit.  Last year, I forced myself to put up decorations.  We had a barn party so technically had a real tree outside, but I didn't cut it or decorate it, so...this year for the first time in our married life, we have a real Christmas tree.  It is a gorgeous Noble and hasn't been trimmed, so it looks a little wild.  The smell is devine, what I can smell of it with this nasty cold, and is an amazing silvery green color.  So how to decorate my real Oregon tree?  With big retro clear bulbs (that my husband fears will induce flames) and finger knitted yarn garland and white crocheted snow flakes.  I am going blue and green and silver this year with a little champagne gold thrown in for good measure.  It's a direct departure from my muted burgandy, green and gold.  I have a thing for matchy matchy trees.  In our house in Utah, I had the decked out tree and the kids tree.  This year, we are just doing the decorator in me tree.  We are making salt dough sugar cookies shaped like snowflakes and iced with crystal colored sugar.  I made pipe cleaner snowflakes with glass beads.  Madeline decoupaged some clear bulbs with glass mini beads in blue and green.   Our skirt is unbleached muslin.  It is very unconventional color scheme, but it screams me and I had to do it. When it's all done, (hopefully in the next 2 or 3 days) I will post a photo.  I made it all with a budget of $25 and some already acquired craft supplies and fabric.    Who wants all my red decorations?  Anyone?

Thanksgiving...

I saw my mother for the first time in a year.  After writing her a rather honest letter, I expected a cold greeting.  I got one.  But it was nice to see that she was making an effort to see her family.  Only a daughter can know of her cold blank stare and what it meant....which brings me to my next point.   When dealing with someone that has a mental illness that causes harm to others, it is important to be honest with that person.  A while back she wrote me a letter, which she does every year, trying to manipulate and guilt me into a relationship with her.  It's very hard to reason with someone that has borderline personality disorder.  Relationships are extremely difficult and only can be salvaged on the part of the non mentally ill persons in their lives.  It' weird not having a relationship with my own mother, but it's really for the best.  She made an effort to see her family after the 10 or 11th time she has disowned them.  Maybe my honesty has made some sort of impact.  Loving imperfect people is not easy.  And protecting yourself and your family is more important than being someone's verbal punching bag...so it remains to be seen if she will seek help.  That is all I asked of her.  Seek help.  Go to therapy, take medication, make an effort.  Maybe she will...
Another surprise, I got to be the Super Aunty and take my 5 month old nephew Payden, for the night.  Jenn finally consented for us to steal him away.  The girls are already up and taking turns cooing at him. He slept by my side the whole night, preferring not to sleep in a crib.  Fine by me.  There is something about a little baby that just makes you overwhelmingly happy.  He is the cutest baby ever!  (Well except for my 5...)

My thanksgiving Menu...

Usually, we have people over on Thanksgiving.  And I am notorious for making way too much food.  This year, we are keeping it simple because my parents happen to be in Barbados for the holiday.  Rough for them right?  So I am not going all out.  But rather, I am keeping it simple.  I'm still making my traditional Southern Ham which is a time consuming process, but besides that, nothing special.  Instead of homemade sausage stuffing, it's Stove Top.  Instead of homemade rolls, it's cresents in a tube.  I am making mash potatoes with cream and a homemade sweetpotato dish and a glorious dessert or two.  But all in all, it's pretty low key around here.

Which brings me to a conclusion that I just realized.  Holidays are not about decorating and gifts, and all the stuff that goes along with it, it's about the cooking and the people.  If I get to cook, it's my favorite holiday.  I love easter, because I usually host it.  I love Thanksgiving, because I usually cook for most of it. I love get togethers at my house because I cook for them...the common denominator includes me and the kitchen.  I love cooking!  I am so thankful that I do it well.  My mother, bless her messed up heart, can't make rice a roni right.  It is not her nature.  Thankfully, my stepmother was the world's best cook and inspired me when I was young.  So today, while I am not going all out, I will be teaching both my girls the basics of the Thanksgiving.  Hopefully, they will learn to love it as much as I do.

Who knows, maybe it's just about the Ham!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

When The Kids Are Home...

I'm going to Goodwill (thrift store) to scout for treasures to make things with, finish my Christmas shopping and hopefully find a few bike seats ( our puppy chewed all of them up last year.)  After looking at the budget, and paying for an unexpected $850 expense, things are tight.  Instead of new bikes, we are refurbishing the old ones.   They are still getting a good Christmas, but instead of new bikes, we are giving them cheaper things...Actually, I am giving a patch kit and some new seats to Christian and he can fix them all and it will be his gift to his brothers and sisters.  I know ingenius right?  My children will stay home and clean their rooms, and play on the wii for untold hours of pleasure.  Tonight,  after I have finished making my aprons, I will prepare a ham the old fashioned way and figure out what we are doing for Thanksgiving.  It's a small affair this year, just our family.  So I am not going all out.  Friday, we are having friends over for Pie Night and games.  Happy Holidays everyone!  (This is the apron that I made out of pillowcases I found at Value Village.  My husband is modeling it!)

I am Thankful

It seems as if everyone on facebook is sharing what they are thankful for this month, so I thought I would compile my list in one fell swoop instead of a long drawn out measure:

1. I am thankful for my washing machine.  If I didn't have one, I'd be a slave to clothing.  No wonder why women died so young!
2. I am thankful for being a mother.  Not only has it taught me true unconditional love, but is a living reminder that I have a father that loves me just as much as I do my kids and would sacrifice anything for my lasting happiness.
3. I am thankful for Oregon.  I love that I can put a seed in this fertile earth and it grows easily.  That people are warm and welcoming and a little weird.  Oregon is the land of whatever floats your boat just as long as you don't mess with the enviornment.
4. I am thankful for friends.  I fully believe that I knew you before we came to this earth. You have been a boon to me and carried me through.
5. I am thankful for my town.  This town is a true community and I am honored that I get to raise my children here.  Although you put your Christmas lights up too early, I'll forgive you because it is just so beautiful to drive in old town and see all the trees lit up.
6. I am thankful for volunteers who spend their time coaching my kids, teaching them in church, putting together events so that all my enjoy the many different opportunties that life affords.
7. I am thankful for my congregation/ward.  They are amazing examples of how to do it right and have welcomed our family with open arms.
8. I am thankful for my creativity.  Not only has it gotten us out of tight spots, but been a godsend when the ship was sinking.
9. I am thankful for my book smarts.  I realize that not everyone has the ability to remember and learn easily and I feel blessed that I crave to know more.
10. I am thankful for all the little fingerprints on my windows.  It means that my kids are able to be kids and not grow up too quickly.
11. I am thankful that my 3 year old is finally talking.  I really didn't want to do speech therapy again.
12. I am thankful for forgiveness in all it's many forms, wether receiving it or giving it.  It heals the soul.
13. I am thankful for the opportunity that we have had to live in the country.  It has expanded my learning and given me great peace and joy.   I feel empowered that I know how to prune a fruit tree and survive off of the land.
14. I am thankful for music.  I start and end the day with music that speaks to my soul.  It might be Missy Elliot one day and Rascal Flatts the next, but it is always there to guide and inspire me.
15. I am thankful for technology.  It is an amazing thing to have billions of books of information at my fingertips through the internet.  I can find a recipe, a person, a picture, an article with a simple search.
16. I am thankful for my desire to cook healthy and creative meals for my family.  Growing up, I never knew that joy, but as I have been able to provide this for my family, I understand the joy it brings into my life.
17. I am thankful for my body.  It might be bigger than I want it, but it works and does it well.  I am strong, healthy and have all of my wits about me.
18. I am thankful for my children's teachers and the fact they truely want my kids to succeed. 
19. I am thankful for my calling.  Not only do I get to be creative and hang out with women all the time, but it is an easy calling for me and right now, I can't handle a growing experience.
20. I am thankful for the chance to own my own home again.  I can't tell you how excited I am to crack open a can of paint and hang some wallpaper (yes wallpaper...for all you fear mongers, wallpaper is not hard to hang and it is so in right now.)
21. I am thankful for my spiritual gifts.  They have brought me great joy in the last few months.  When I fully use them, my life amazes me.  
22. I am thankful for facebook.  Don't laugh!  I am a very social person and for a year, I barely got to talk to people.  So it has been a great way to keep in touch with people and find old friends.  No, I don't do the games or stuff like that, just talk to my friends.  Also, it's free.  I can talk to all my friends around the globe for free!
23. I am thankful for gardening.  Getting your hands in the dirt connects you to the earth.  And I know that sounds so hippy but it really does.  I love to get dirty and reap the benefits of hard work.
24. I am thankful to be married to a man that has drive and determination.  He is the hardest worker I know and always sees the bright side of things.
25. I am thankful for my Uggs.  They were a gift last year and I wear them almost every day during the winter.  They keep my notoriously cold feet, warm.
26. I am thankful for blogging.  Yes, I am the kind of person who has to vent.  It helps me to deal with everyday life and I enjoy knowing that I am not the only person out there who has something to say.
27. I am thankful for my chickens.  They have taught my children hard work, love, and the benefits of growing your own food.  My eggs taste better, because the chickens are loved.
28. I am thankful for craft stores.  It's like drugs, I tell you.  Who knew?  I wasn't a crafty kid or young adult.  I could sew and that was about it.  Now, there is nothing I wont try at least once...
29. I am thankful for love.  Really, it is the only thing that never can die.  It has saved our souls, heals our hearts, gives us joy, and carries us through.
30. I am thankful to live in this country.  I am too stubborn to not have a voice, and to have the freedoms that I get because I live in the USA.  I might not agree with most of my friends, but I am grateful that we all have a voice to share our opinions.