Get REAL! (am I really posting this?)

I'm sure that all of you out in the blogger world that are even remotely aware of the Mormon Mommy blog phenomena, came across the article a few days ago about how a certain person was addicted by all of these mommy blogs.  Well I am here to burst her bubble!

Although I am quite the crafty person, do procreate on a frequent basis, sit down to a home cooked meal of my making almost every night, my life does not resemble her description in the least bit.  I am almost guaranteed that no one frequents my blog to get uplifted from their dull and boring lives.  You come here for the truth...cuz I will give it to you like it is!

Yesterday was like the pooper scooper behind the Budweiser wagon at the Rose parade.  I was armed with waders, and a very large shovel of the snow scooping variety.  You ever have a day when absolutely everything could go wrong?  Well, it's been a series of unfortunate events that culminated all day long.  And I should be doing homework right now, but I cannot stop thinking about my craptastic day unless I share it.

I got up early...well a little too early if you ask me.  My littlest procreation was hacking up a storm and called out to me from the foot of my bed, "Mommy!!  I need to find you!"  I huddle under the covers quite well and so I whispered for him to come closer and climb in bed.  He proceeded for the next 45 minutes to cough on the 15 second mark, every 15 seconds.  Picture me, scrambling through every bathroom drawer trying to find the cough syrup.  No luck.  I did manage to scrounge up one Halls cough drop that was stuck behind my husband's razor, and plunked that sucker in his mouth.  Evan, in all his 4 year old splendor, says,"It's too spicy mommy!"  "Ok, go spit it out then.  And get back into your own bed, because mommy has to go to sleep!" Yep...no coddling here.  He's the 5th kid.  He's breathing, he doesn't have a fever, and I didn't see any blood, so back to bed.  Did I mention that I didn't get to bed until 1:45am?  Anyway, I climb back into bed with the bathroom fan blaring so I cannot hear the offending cougher (and the one who is snoring his way through it).  I tried like a crazy person to get back to sleep.  I did my usual which includes making up some story and I try to put a plot together that would make for an interesting dream.  I am usually asleep before the plot ever gets off the ground, but not this time.  No...my husband lost his phone.  Yep.  His appendage just so happened to get lost at a Blazer game that he got free tickets to for Saturday.  So guess who had to be an alarm clock for my husband?  That would be my appendage.  And it rang at 6:30.  No sleep for the wicked right?

 I promptly popped out of bed and made lunch for everyone.  We had no bread (Udi's only people) and so I had to get a little creative.  Of course chips and salsa always do for a standby, and I doled out hefty amounts of organic granola, apple juice, a clementine, string cheese, raisins and nuts, etc.  Except someone got a little miffed because he didn't get Barbeque Chips.  Really?  Are we in Kindergarten?!  Wow, wasn't expecting that little diddy at 7am.  Well I stomped away, 5 lunches made, and got back into bed.  By this time Evan had fallen asleep, Madeline and Patrick were gone, and I had a good 30 minutes to catch some shut eye.  Of course, I feel to sleep right away....NOT!  Nothing like a good "discussion" in the morning to get me ready for lala land.  I woke up the other half at 8, told them to ready themselves and then I got back into bed.  But it's not going to happen is it?  No.  Because then I realize that I have more homework to do that I have days to complete it in.  I start thinking about my husband's lost phone and how much it's going to cost.  I remember that I have to get my sons cavities filled before he dies of some weird heart infection.  I remember how ashamed I am as a mother because he has the world's worst teeth and it's somehow my fault because I don't brush them enough.  And then I need to kick the kids out the door.  It's 8:45
My kid is definitely not going to preschool.  He is out like a light.  Maybe, just maybe I can shut my brain off.  Just as I am beginning to dose off, my stomach begins to turn and low and behold, a trip to the potty is imminent.  I race to make it.  Beet juice will do that to you don't you know?!  And I remember that my butt is killing me.  Why?  Well, I drank at least 128 oz of Dr. Pepper on Friday and Saturday to help me get through my school work without nodding off.  I guess Anat and Phys with a side of bad cold don't really give you the pep you need?!  Anyway, Dr. Pepper is great for expelling any and all water out of your body.  So I was constipated.  I mean, I gave birth for crying out loud, constipated!  And so now,  It hurts.  Did I mention it's that time of the month?  (Maybe that is why I am a little crazy...Yah Think?!)  How's that for real?!

Then I spent the next 5 hours dealing with school books/emails and problems for the week in between making food for a little sick kid.  By this time, the oldest kid was home.  And I hadn't taken a shower so
I washed my hair and actually remembered to rinse the conditioner out.  I think I may have let the water run until it was cold because it felt soooo good!  I really should shower more when I get sick instead of just lying in my own stink.  Then I got dressed and told the other kids, who had arrived, that they needed to get ready for activities, do chores, or play outside.  I went out to the car, and it didn't start.  Garage door open, someone on watch for the dog to run away.  Yep...he's a runner.  And it just wont start.  By this time I am flooding the poor thing and smoke is billowing out the back.  It starts after 5 trys.  It was so bad, the whole house smells like an auto shop now.   Did I swear?  I can't remember.  Have I eaten today?  I can't remember.
I drive said child to activity and then come home to make sure hamburger is defrosting.  Yep we are having hamburger and fries with a salad for dinner.  Not too complicated.  Organic meat, baked fries.  Not super healthy, but better than most I suspect.  No cans of Campbell's soup were harmed in the making of this meal! :P  And I got down to some school business.
Guess what Emily, you have to find a proctor for your test because they need to make sure it's you and that you don't cheat!  Trust me.  This class is so hard, that even if you had the answers in front of you, you would still only get a B!  How am I going to find a "stranger" not a friend mind you, to let me crash at their place of business for a test?  for 2 hours!  Well, my religion institute teacher couldn't do it, so I looked up what it would cost to get a proctor ....really that is what they call it.  $25 a test.  6 tests this semester...for a total of $150 for fees plus parking and a babysitter.  Remember that post where I talked about failure?  Yes, well cleaning up your mistakes is more akin to shoveling crap out from under the backside of a cow!  And no one was available to help me.  Dinner...oh yes.  Husband is supposed to get home on time so he can help me load a treadmill that I found on craigslist after I drop thing 2 off at ballet.  She says she can't breathe and can't find her leotard.  I say...CRAP!  Dinner is done...kind of.  I eat a salad and some meat and run to the car....screaming to Thing 3 that he better take the fries out of the oven in 5 minutes or the whole house will burn down!  Husband arrives as I am pulling out.  We make a made dash to pick up thing 1 from gym, drop thing 2 off at ballet after explaining to the teacher that she is recovering from being ill, so go easy on her.  (She cannot do this herself of course because of her fear of failure!  Holy Hell!)  Anyway, drive all the way to the other side of Lake Oswego to go look at this treadmill.  If it ran, I was buying it.  If it ran, Patrick would haggle.  That is what he does.  Me, I just hand the cash over and smile.  The machine was just what I wanted and I have been looking for one for over 4 months.  So while I get the van ready to haul the beast, he begins chatting away with a perfect stranger.  Her house is neat and clean.  She has one kid...a junior in High school. I smirk.  Of course she has a 6 bedroom house with one kid.  What is with these people?  Anyway, he begins in with telling her our whole financial past because she is looking to sell.  I don't want this house.  It's not at all what I want.  It's a ranch stuck in front of a state park.  I don't want to live under tree canopy and have to pay for prescription medication to keep me from killing myself because it's so dark!!!  Lets go!!!  Patrick has no sense of time.  So we hustle on out finally and get back to ballet only 10 minutes late.  I see my friend, who I was supposed to collaborate our impending weight loss team, and show her how to download an app on her phone so we can be weight loss buddies.  Then I hop in the car and drive home.  We load the treadmill in the house.  I reheat the dinner that no one has eaten.  The house didn't burn down.  Patrick and I haggle about where to put the beast.  He wins because, I don't care.  I'll just move it later.  Oh come on...you know I will.
So then we eat.  After, I read 20 minutes with my kid that can't remember his words.  "YOU!"  "You just said it on every page and you mean to tell me you can't remember what it sounds like?"  I am not winning mother of the year award anytime soon.  Which brings me to my conversation I had with thing 4's teacher about the fact that he can read, he just doesn't have the confidence...yes that is probably my fault because I HAVE NO PATIENCE!  I mean how many times does the red hen get stuck in the pen people?!  And the FAT CAT ATE THE RAT?  I'm gonna Get THE BAT!!!  So twenty minutes of torture and then we have to sit as a family and read from the Good Word of God.  Please, let me make it through.  I do, but after the tortuously slow reading of my 1st grader, I speed through my two verses and pass that puppy on like it was a hot potato.  I have no patience left at all.  Kids...bedtime!!!  I run to our bedroom, and take off the bra...yipee!  And put on the sports bra and yoga pants.  Shoes...can't find the shoes under all the school papers.  I find a pair but no socks.  Oh well, I need to get on that treadmill and destress don't you think?
Patrick does the dishes.  I walked.  And then I ran.  And then I sang Amy Lee songs while I ran.  And I realized that I had not run that long of a distance in months.  And then I got a side ache.  And then my feet started to hurt.  And then I felt like my ankles were in the fiery pit of Hell!  What the?  I forgot socks remember.  In my zeal...and desperation....I omitted socks.  Now, with the treadmill still going, I ripped my shoes off along with a good chunk of blister on each ankle.  I was free as a bird and walk/running my way to Nirvana.  30 minutes of hard core sweat and then my husband comes in and asks me if i have ever done "it" on a treadmill?!  No dear, but I know that you and your ex wife did.  Please don't share with me how that all happens...cuz my DAY SUCKS already!!!!!
Of course, it's 10:18 and it's time to spend one on one with my husband.  We sit and watch Castle.  And then the news comes on.  By this time I am freezing because the sweating has actually done it's intended job and cooled me down.  I jump in the shower again while husband falls asleep on the couch.  I have to contort my body because everytime the water hits my open blisters, it feels like a hot fire poker!  Crap!  I am all clean and I have to go wake up my husband.  Get up!  No luck.  I turn off the tv and he immediately wakes up.  "What took you so long?"  What?  I was in the shower?  "Honey, I am going to bed...good night."  I exclaimed.  "I was just waiting for you to get out of the shower!"  Whatever.  Just come to bed.  I pull the covers over my head and turn off the light.  It's no use.  I need to go to bed and just let this day be over.  I post a new status on my phone.  He still doesn't come to bed.  A few minutes later he stumbles in, starts talking, and then checks his phone...10minutes pass.  Patrick, can you please turn the light off.  It's 12:22am.  And all that has happened during the day runs through my head.  It's been a not so great day.  But this is the real day.  This is what really happens.  I did pray that night while waiting for my husband to go to bed.  "God, I have a load of crap that I just can't deal with anymore.  I have sucked at it all day, so I am giving it to you.  Your the only one that can fix all these problems that I have to deal with this week.  They are yours now.  I give up.  Goodnight.  Oh yeah...Holla out to Jesus for me.  AMEN!"
And then 20 minutes later, when my husband asks if I will say a prayer....I say "NO".  I don't have a thing left in me.  And that was the truth.

Today, it's better.  Already 2 of my problems are gone/fixed.  I didn't craft.  I didn't make a gourmet meal.  We didn't sit at the table and share intimate details about our day.  I didn't have patience with Anyone, including the Big Guy.  And sometimes, that is just how it is...Real.

Evidently, someone in Utah, who is probably a Mormon Mommy blogger beat me to the punch...she turned her crap into.......a CLOCK!  I can't win!