Boobs...yeah, you read it right.

If you can't laugh at this...don't read on.

Whatever you want to call them, if you are a woman, you have them.  They come in all different shapes and sizes.  Some are fighting southern migration and others are like the Egyptian pyramids.  We woman fret about them so.  Men are fascinated by these wonderful glands of ours.

I have a love/hate relationship with mine.  On one hand, I loved nursing my kids, they balance my backside, and make me feel like a woman when I really don't feel like one.  On the other hand, I have underwires pushing into my armpits, permanent channels molded into my shoulders to hold up said mounds, and sometimes they are just too fascinating that no one looks into my eyes.  Heck, Oprah has an hour long show at least once a year on wearing the right bra.

But my biggest pet peeve about these girls, is buying a holster for them...that's right a HOLSTER!  With all the hooks, wires, and space age materials used, you can understand why you actually have to budget for a month to purchase one.  I mourned the loss of one of my bras today...the underwire finally succumbed to the pressure and busted in two.  It was sad...she had been with me for years.  She worked hard, bless her pink, lightly padded soul.

So today, my new plan included buying a new bra.  How hard can that be right?  Victoria Secret or Target, their are many styles and colors to adorn your girls with.  But me... I can't be normal can I?  I had to go to a special store and guess what...they are growing!!!  Are you kidding me?!  I'm not growing, gaining weight, pregnant, so this cannot be?  Maybe its the American obsession with resizing right?  Clothing manufacturers are actually relabeling bigger sizes to smaller sizes in order to dupe us into believing that we are not getting bigger....the exact opposite for boobs right?  At least that is what I am telling myself.  So I try on my size...too small.  I go get the next size and all they have are bullet proof bras.  I am talking padding so thick you can hide under this baby in an earthquake and not get a scratch on you!  So I find a couple of different styles and one that isn't padded for Armaggedon and go into the dressing room.  While proceeding to put this over the shoulder boulder holder on, I notice that this particular bra has a air filled pocket in it...my head is about to explode!!!  TMI...but I wear a 38/40 F!  Not an A or B or even a C...but a freakin F and they have an insert to make them BIGGER!!!!   What is this world coming to?  Yes, not only do I want to pad these personal size watermelons, but lets make them a little bigger so you can get even more attention drawn to your chest.  Sounds logical to me...NOT!  I kept thinking that maybe this store was just for hoochies and drag queens.  Evidently, I can have even more cleavage if I really want it...but don't hug me too hard, I might pop!

Don't worry, I found exactly 2 that were worth wearing.  I don't think we can eat anything but mac and cheese for 2 weeks to afford them, but trust me, you don't want me going African on you....

So all you ladies with cute bras that are normal and fashionable...I have bra envy.  Sometimes the grass on the other side is held together with superglue and teflon coated steel!

Guess what?

I am either having a psychotic break or a breakthrough and I haven't decided which one yet.  Can I even say this outloud?  Is this real?  So here it is in all it's brutal honesty....I think I like my body just the way it is.  There I said it.  That wasn't so hard.  But still there must be something wrong with me.  Not only am I not what the magazines say is beautiful, but I am clearly obese according to most charts.  Thing is, I have low blood pressure, low cholesterol, and a low risk of diabetes due to my waist and hip ratio.  Maybe I live in a fairytale land, but something deep down inside me actually likes looking like I just stepped out of a Rembrandt painting.  Call me crazy but I like the curves.  I was just noticing the past few days all the really skinny looking people around me.  I fill out my shirt and my pants.  I like being a size 16.  How's that for honesty?  I am shaped like an hourglass...really.  I am not top or bottom heavy and my waist is much much smaller than my hips....I'm just big.  And strong.  And tall.  And beautiful.  Is this some kind of justification for eating?  I'm really into eating healthy and enjoy a good workout.  But I think I have lost the desire to look like everyone else.  It looks gross to me.  I look like a woman.  And I think I like it....

This blog brought to you by...

Little old me who finally, after a failed attempt at a Clear USB for my laptop, hooked up the wireless internet throughout the house.  So I am using this opportunity to pat myself on the back a little.  Pat Pat.  I know how to do lots of things that most people rarely attempt.  And sometimes, I feel like Stuart Smalley who stares in the mirror and says, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonit, people like me!"  Do any of you out there have this retarded character flaw that comes out when people compliment you...you say oh well if you only saw how dirty my house was or tell everyone that you don't even know if your kids are wearing socks to school today, when people tell you how wonderful you are?  It's just me right?  Shame on me and the fake humility.  Confidence is not pride.  God gave me some serious gifts that I really enjoy.  One of them is independence.  If I don't know how to do something, gosh darnit, I am going to figure out how and get it done, or try my hardest and then consult a professional.  I'm strange that way.  But I feel bad, when someone says that they would love to be able to do all the things I do.  It doesn't have anything to do with smarts or talent, it is shear stubborn independence...left over from my 2year old self.  I can do it by myself gosh darnit!...echo's in my ears from the distant past.

So in an attempt to toot my own horn I am just going to write down all the stuff I am doing or have done in the past month that I deserve a pat on the back for...because like it or not, the most important person that should be impressed with me, is me.  I am more important to myself than anyone else (can you tell I am in therapy right now?)!
1. I can get my kids to church on time without help from my spouse.
2. I can hook up a washer and a gas dryer singlehandedly.
3. I can hook up the internet modem and wireless router.
4. I manage 5 different children's schedules and manage to make it to almost everything (95%)
5. I change light fixtures
6. I paint walls
7. I sew drapes
8. I cook healthy meals
9. I know when something is wrong with my car (and if I only had one of those boards with wheels and a few blocks, gosh darnit, I'd try and fix my own car!)
10. I am going back to college
11. I asked for a calling...and got one.
12. I am unpacking a house singlehandedly
13. I manage a household in which my husband is gone 60+ hours a week working on top of playing basketball 3 days a week, choir practice for a local performance group, and a demanding calling at church.
14. I sing my kids to sleep almost every night
15. I fixed the bath drain
16. I stand up for myself

Thanks for letting me gush a little.  I needed it.  If I can't actually apply what I learn to myself,  then I have no business going to school to be a Psychologist.

Temper Tantrums

Having 5 children has affording me the opportunity to be the eye witness to many a tantrum.  There is your classic Tazmanian Devil tantrum where said child is calm one minute and then spins around with such force, he knocks things off of the walls.  How about the Limp Noodle Tantrum when said child looses all muscle function and cries on the floor and it is almost impossible to pick them up due to the fact that they have rendered their arms and legs non functioning.  Then you have the Elimination Tantrum where said child freaks out so much that they loose all bowel function and begin to throw up.  Then you have the Screaming Tantrum where they lay on the floor and writhe around like they are having a seizure and the piercing sound from their mouth could break glass.  Then there is Brighten.

Brighten, bless her dramatic soul is a force to be reckoned with.  My job in life is to try and teach her how to constructively harness that stubborn soul of hers.  I know where she got it :).   We have tried everything with that child.  They don't last for minutes but hours.  As anyone who has actually come in contact with her knows, that she is deceiving.  Her frame is small, her voice is like a "mouse" according to one teacher.  But she can unleash a terror that is a force to be reckoned with.  This time it was over the fact that I asked her to put the sheets on her bed.  She needed help, she said, and I politely offered to help.  But it was still too hard.  The weeping, wailing, and nashing of teeth began.  It lasted an hour.  (no doors, walls, or people were harmed....she is a strong little thing) I've gotten really good at remaining calm and I got pictures this time...  Mean right?  Well I am just so darn proud of myself that I have this much patience.  2 hours later, her sheets were on and her clothes were put away.  I did not raise my voice or give in to the attention getting.  Victory!

Is this normal dramatic girl, or should she be on meds?!

My Joy

We had a very interesting talk at church yesterday.  Basically it was warning against Virtual Reality types of entertainment.  I'm not a gamer.  Never have been.  I get to level 4 on Tetris about once a month before bed and that is the extent of it.  My husband is not a gamer.  But evidently it is a problem out there.  I just read an article today at CNN.com about how thousands of people are experiencing suicidal thoughts after viewing Avatar.  Are you kidding me?  It's make believe!  They think the real world is so grey and lifeless.  Seriously, it was a very creative movie.  Basically, Fern Gully on Steroids is the main jist of this movie, but killing yourself?  Anyway, this talk had an interesting statistic about where you find your happiest moments and the people that were gamers, 53% of them found there happiest moments in their games that day.  Seriously?  So that got me thinking, what do I use the internet and social sites for?  I chat once a week maybe for a few minutes with a friend on facebook.  I read and write blogs.  I played Farm Town for a few months until it got extremely boring.  The only person that I have befriended that I didn't already know in real life is Erika...Hi Erika!  I update my Facebook alot.  I know.  It's just that I don't talk on the phone, ever.  I email people and comment.  It's easier for me.  I feel connected to my friends because they don't live down the street from me anymore.  But I still see people, go out to dinner, have play dates, talk, hang out. I don't live in some kind of virtual bubble.  And my happiest moments of the day,  do not reside on the computer.  (once in a while a comment that you might leave on my blog makes my day a bit brighter)

So my joys this week:
1.Singing my kids to sleep.  I stopped doing this for a while and I forgot how much I like it.  Evan goes right to sleep to Baby Mine.
2. I Painted a wall Chipotle Paste in the Dining Room and it looks fab!
3. I curled my hair and I felt pretty.  I often forget how much more confident I feel if I take time for myself.
4. Scraped all the fake stained glass and privacy crud off of the windows.  Granted, I can see how much work the backyard needs now, but I'd rather see clearly through those windows and let in all the light.
5. My college application is complete and turned in.  I really can't believe that I am doing this!
6. I ran on the track by my house at night.  My friend said was concerned for me about running alone so late.  I wasn't alone...I was listening to Missy Elliot and besides, I could take on just about anyone who tried to get up in my "grill"....I'm one tough cookie!! (dude, people don't scare me...cougars, now they are just plain nail biting)
7. I had a very specific prayer answered.  It wasn't life changing, but it is always so humbling to pray for something specific and get it answered almost immediately through another person.  He listens!

Here's to real life...with all it's faults and fumbles....and joys.

New Year's Resolution

I have only one this year...but it encompasses every aspect of my life.

To find happiness everyday.  If things don't bring me joy, I am going to get them out of my life.  I don't like laundry...it brings me no joy...but teaching my children a life skill, that is joyful.  They will be folding their own or shoving them in there drawers...it's ok with me.  I love to cook.  I'm going to do more of it.  It brings me joy.  I love to listen to extremely loud music, and so I might have headphones on a little more.  Here's to joy.  May we all find a little more of it.

A New Beginning

The owl swooped down just feet from my windshield at Midnight on the 1st of January.  It was startling to say the least.  Owls are very large birds and you almost never see them flying.  Was this some kind of weird sign?  I was traveling to my new home after completing the cleaning on our house on the mountain.  And even though it was late and I had been moving for 4 days, I was filled with energy and euphoria.  This strange phenomena caused me to reflect on all the little miracles that happened to get us to today....  I couldn't not begin to list them all.  But the owl, I will remember.  Also the hawk...in the middle of the snow storm, she came swooping down to the tall firs right behind our house.  She stood on that branch, staring into the kitchen for 15 minutes....as if she was saying goodbye.  Has this mystical house gotten the better of me?  Maybe.  We are all God's creations, and I see him in everything that surrounds us.  This journey we are on is exhausting at times.  I find myself on my knees alot lately, on the verge of tears for answered prayers, and also begging for added strength.  This move, I found a whole bunch of old things I wrote after my mission and it brought back alot of great memories for me.  But one thing that I wrote that really rung true to me was," a stronger back is always better than a lighter burden..."  How true that is.  For in that strong back, I can shore up in the storm.  I have the strength of a mighty man and my foundation is strong and secure....walls may tumble and the earth may shake, but I will not falter...He has refined me in His fire for a reason...and I see it now so clearly.